Adrift: 1. Drifting or floating freely; not anchored 2. Without direction or purpose
It seems the definition of "ADRIFT" defines my life right now. I am floating, drifting aimlessly trying to find some direction. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to reach the shore. I've been drifting in this sea called life now for give or take 4 years. I've been either way out , deep, deep, deep in the middle of the ocean or I've been close enough to reach the shore only to have a current pull me way back out to the middle of the ocean again.
The middle of the ocean is lonely. It's dark. It's suffocating. It's nothing there but me, my thoughts, my heartaches, my pains, my fears, my struggles and my inadequacies. It's the place where I throw a pity party. Where I drown and refuse to tread water because doing so would make me face reality. It's where I look for miles around, north, south, east and west and the only thing I see is space. Space can either be a good thing or a bad thing. You can use space to work on yourself, mend yourself, be at one with yourself or at peace with God. You can also use space to withdraw, become introverted and/or wallow in self-pity. I've used the space in the middle of my life's ocean for both of those reasons. When I use space in a positive way, that's when I'm almost reaching the shore, where all I have to do is step out and walk on the sand and be free. But like I said, there's always something holding me back or keeping me from getting to the shore. When I use space in the negative way I find myself doggy paddling for my life, trying not to drown, wondering where did I go wrong.
My mind moves a mile a minute. I can be adamant about something, determined and clicking on all cylinders to move forward and then just as easily change my mind. I can be very fickle. Those that know and LOVE me, embrace that about me and for that I am appreciative. If they didn't I would be one lonely soul!
I think the part that disturbs me the most about floating aimlessly through life, especially lately is the fact that I'm not just trying to stay afloat for myself, but for my child as well. That makes the stress 10 times stronger. If I don't succeed, it's not only devastating for me, but for my child. I can't be a failure to my child. Let me rephrase that, I WON'T be a failure to my child. Life decisions are harder to make and follow through because it's not just a decision for me, but a decision for him as well.
I feel I can speak candidly about my relationship with God. My belief in God and his presence in my life is what keeps me from going insane. I know he hears me when I pray and he answers when I call. I don't always do right, but I know right from wrong and acknowledge when I'm wrong. I've learned that fellowship is important too. It's important to be around like minded individuals whom you can draw strength from. They may even let you hop in their boat when yours takes on too much water. But trust and believe I know there are some that will easily dump you out your boat, see you waving your hands for help and act like they don't even see you. SHAMEFUL!
Perhaps in the foreseeable future all this will be a distant figment of my imagination. I'm determined to make it to the shore ......ONE day.
